Friday, May 25, 2007

i called it

breaking up a fight? check.

got super fucking sunburned? check.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

it's just like...

you know how the teddy bears had a picnic? today, the special ed kids get a picnic. here's to taking the day off in the name of "social skills."

the funny thing is that although this field trip to the park is ostensibly to teach social skills, we will have to break up at least one fight or bust a kid smoking pot in the bathroom.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007


as in: my breath has been taken away by all the shit that's rained upon my furrowed brow as of the past few weeks. jesus fucking christ. i'm dying over here.

the good thing is that me and my awesome lady got us a place on 7th and fulton, which is right next to golden gate park, haight street, green apple books (the best bookstore i've ever been to, hands down), the inner sunset, and all manner of cool shit. i love my city. so all i have to do is hang in there for 2 more weeks and then i'll be ok.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

looking for a new job

is butt doody. i have spent so much fucking time rewriting my resume, working on cover letters, etc, etc, etc.



anyone want to pay me six figures to hang out around them and be witty all day?

Sunday, May 13, 2007


so hung over. i haven't left my bed all day. it's been fantastic.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

i don't understand

i really, really don't get it. i mean, i have a lot of ideas. every day i have ideas. all kinds of them. the other day i had this idea about jetpacks. that was a cool idea. yesterday i had an idea that i should make a joke about my girlfriend's weight. that was a bad idea. some ideas are good, some ideas are bad. the trick, as i found out when i had the idea to dive for a softball, even though i had no idea how to properly dive and ended up breaking my collarbone, is to not follow up on the bad ones.

it seems like marvel has a lot of ideas, too. and they should, too, because they've got some really creative people working there. the problem with marvel, it seems, is that they'll just take any idea and run with it, whether or not it's good or bad. i mean, how else do you explain this? how did marvel get to this? don't they understand that the continuity of this whole civil war thing, although potentially cool, is falling dead on the floor?

they really should have done what DC did with 52: PLAN THE FUCKING THING OUT BEFORE STARTING TO PUBLISH.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007


1) spencer is crazy.

2) yesterday in my desk at home i found a $30 gift certificate for a comic shop. i had completely forgotten about the thing, and it was a great way to start the week out. last night i burned it all (plus 15 bucks), and got some great shit:

girls, vol 1: conception

MAN. i was so into this thing i ran to the computer and downloaded them all so i could find out how the fucking thing ended (and rest assured i'll be buying all the trades cuz it's awesome). a while ago i had somehow stumbled across the penultimate issue of this series and was completely fucking confused by these identical naked girls hatching from eggs and running around, beating up women tied to poles, and then said naked girls having their heads chopped off with hatchets. but after reading the first trade, it all made a lot more sense. well, as much sense as something like that can make. despite the last couple issues sagging and dragging, worth reading for the giant homicidal sperm alone.

agents of atlas hardcover.

i haven't read the whole shebang yet (because of that fucking creepy giant sperm thing from girls that i got hooked on) but i was pretty into what i got through last night. the art was better than i expected from the covers, and the dialog was snappy. snappy. i just said the dialog was snappy. i think i deserve being hit for that.

i looked everywhere for the new issue of iron fist. the fuckers at that store file shit confusingly, to say the least.

NEW TOPIC: is it poor form to read comics at the store when you're on the fence about them? like, is it ok to go expressly with the intention of getting the stuff you want, but then spend another hour reading other books out of curiosity/disdain? just wondering.

special little snowflakes

1) i have the coolest girlfriend in the entire world, and will harp on this fact for all it's worth. how cool, you ask? so cool that after me blathering on and on about how i've seen both spider-man movies at midnight showings, she bought us 2 tickets. man. i love that girl.

2) yes, i teach special ed. and, yes, i will harp on this fact for all it's worth, too. yes, it's hard. but it's also one of the funniest jobs you can have. people often ask if the kids in my classes are... you know... like, retarded or just learning... disabled? and i have to tell them that no, they're not retarded, on the whole they just have processing difficulties and it takes them about a week to learn what other kids can master in like a day. where the synapses in some kids' brains are highways, the synapses in my kids' brains have sections like this

often this manifests itself in something you could describe as a general slowness: it takes them a longer time to respond, you gotta repeat stuff a lot, etc (although every kid, yes, is a special little snowflake, yes, and all have different strangths/weaknesses). so, as their teacher, what i do is try to find alternate routes around their roadblocks, finding a way to get curriculum shoved into their brains. most of them don't really like learning, or thinking, because it's just a lot harder for them than playing video games or just sitting there, doing nothing. i think of it like having to do wind sprints whenever you want to take a nice, leisurely walk. often they don't really have that creative spark, so if you want to do creative writing with them you really have to pump them up, give them a lot of examples to use as templates, and just be generally weird.

2 years ago, i had a student named andrew. he was the strangest little man ever. he was more unique than most kids because he was really creative, but he kind of didn't know it. he would give these bizarre answers to mundane questions, but not because he was trying to be weird so much as those answers were genuinely his opinion. for instance: andrew loved vacuum cleaners. LOVED them. whenever there was a sale at like best buy, andrew would come in to class, all smiles, and march right to my desk and show me the sunday advertisement with the one he wanted. he was the maestro of cleaning, and vacuum cleaners were his string section.

andrew transferred schools for some reason, and i kind of miss him. looking through my desk yesterday, i found an old vocabulary story he wrote. i used to teach them 10 vocab words, and then as a review exercise i'd give them a story topic and have them write a story about that topic using the 10 words, which they'd underline. i have decided to transcribe it here, for you, because it's standardized testing ALL WEEK and i'm bored and you all need to know why my job is rad. without further ado, andrew's story, verbatim, written in class, straight out of his wee head, misspellings his. the boldfaced words are the vocab words.

the day i built a robot

I, Andrew always want to build a robot, humanoid, or robotic to see it like us. I invented the three laws of robotics, A robot may not injure a human being, or through inaction allow a human being come to harm. A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the first law. A robot must protect its existence, as long as this does not conflict with the first or second law. I hope this is not inferior. I worked with Sony & this day we are going to build Qrio the robot it can walk, talks, runs, dances, plays ball games, surfs the web, recognizes voices & faces, can differentiate between sounds. It's height is 2 ft (61 cm). Some of the equipment was savage. So we bought new ones. This robot is not colossal. that's good the the robot is not unstable. Many years ago we invented a girl robot names Maria. Qrio was trying to woo at her & it was intention. We are the most valor people making robots and robotics. We hope not that a instruder won't come in the lab or we will go to the den. Few days have pass & I went to a rite at church & my teamates scorched some of the extra equipment. What a thing we invented a few days ago.

this writing exercise pales in comparison to his district essay proficiency essay. that one he chose the topic "how i would improve the world," and basically rewrote plato's republic, but with a flying robot police force

and him as general andrew, president of the world. i'm not joking, and neither was he.